Friday, February 22, 2008

You can tell I'm crazy from the lack of paragraph breaks.

I am feeling like a wussy lazy loser today. I don't do anything. I don't want to do anything. Doing stuff makes me hurt, and I like to avoid hurting, so I end up spending the majority of my day every day in my pajamas, either in bed or in one of our comfy chairs, with the laptop, doing nothing. I am not sucking it up and doing stuff despite the (really quite mild) pain. I am not suffering in stoic silence. I complain a lot. I am sore even when I haven't done anything other than wake up. I am lounging and lazing about while my poor husband works two jobs, and then I complain about how I did half the dishes and am horribly sore and can't make dinner as a result once he gets home. I am feeling very little motivation to change my ways. Perhaps the biggest motivator is that I am bored. I am bored crazy of not doing anything. I am tired of waiting, of being nothing but a baby incubator. Two months left seems like forever. It is 9:30 in the morning and I am already bored of my day. I still need to do the other half of the dishes, and ought to do another load of laundry, and go on a walk, since those are my three goals every day (1 load of laundry, a sink full of dishes, and a 10 minute walk). But as nice as it is to know I got my goals done, they really aren't enjoyable to do, and once I've done them, I am tired and worn out and in pain again and retreat back to my lazy lounging self. Sometimes my hormones get the better of me and I cry. Most of the time I just complain. I love my baby, but I am tired of being pregnant. I want to get my hair cut and dyed. I want to wear cute clothes that fit well and are comfortable that make me look cute, rather than just pregnant. I want to be able to do physical activity of any sort for more than forty minutes without being utterly exhausted. I want my hormones to return to a state of semi-normalcy. While we're at it, listing the things I want, I also want my husband to not have to work two jobs anymore. I want to have him at home with me for more of the day. I want to figure out whether or not we are in fact going to be moving in the next several months. I want to not be stuck in this state of total life-limbo anymore. I am doing nothing but waiting. Waiting for the work promotion to go through, waiting to find out about moving or not, waiting for baby to get here. I am tired of waiting. I am upset with myself and my lack of motivation, my utter unproductivity. I am mad at myself for not taking my vitamins hardly ever because somehow I never remember to take them and I can only hope my baby has been sucking enough nutrients from my semi-balanced diet to be healthy anyway. I kind of wish I could go and live with my parents again for awhile, and have my mommy take care of me and make me eat healthy stuff and remind me to take my vitamins and make me get out of the house and do stuff with her. She's good at that. Maybe I am depressed again. Maybe it's just weird hormones, there's plenty of other indications that my hormones are all crazy right now trying to get ready for baby. Recently, they have caused heartburn (for the first time in my life), and leaky breasts (also for the first time in my life). With weirdness like that going down, who knows what they're doing to my emotional state. But maybe feeling like this isn't normal. I'd rather it be normal though. I don't want to think about depression right now, I want to say everything is a normal result of pregnancy. And maybe it is. I don't know. I've never been through this before. I'm ready for it to be over. I want my child, to soothe and shush and talk to and play with and feed and change his diapers. I want the source of my frustrations to be no sleep and no time to myself, rather than too much lounging and way too much time to myself. I miss Mike. I saw him for approximately two minutes this morning between me waking up and him leaving for work, and I'm not going to see him again until 8:30 tonight most likely, and then tomorrow he'll be gone again from 8:30 until 6:30 and I get really lonely during the day, but I don't want to go hang out with any of our friends, or with his family, because it just reminds me that he's not there with me, and I miss him. And I am such a wuss, the pregnancy has really been quite easy overall compared to a lot of other people's pregnancies, and I see my husband a lot more than a lot of other wives do, and I get to stay home all day and I live a life of comparative luxury despite our yearly earnings being well below poverty level currently. And yet, despite all this relative ease and comfort, I sit on my butt all day, lazy and unmotivated, and I hardly get anything done. And there are two whole months left of being pregnant ahead of me, and I think I am going to go insane.

(Honestly, it's not too bad, and I am cheerful and silly and content most of the time, even if I am aware that I am being lazy and ought to be trying to do stuff. I'm just full of doom and gloom this morning. Perhaps it will wear off by tomorrow.)

1 comment:

Ted Lee said...

Dantzel's work wouldn't let her go in on account of her having the plague, and so she has been staying at home mostly and doing nothing and feeling sick and unmotivated and just for that week it drove her absolutely crazy. She got incredibly moody and depressed as well.

I'm pretty sure it's normal. Which makes me wonder what Dantzel will be like when she becomes a baby incubator. :p