Thursday, February 08, 2007

My mom is weird

I love her dearly, but there are times when I wish she would display the emotions she's feeling, because I think it would somehow make me feel better when I'm sad to know that she's sad sometimes too, and to have seen it. I don't know how she's feeling right now, but I know how I'm feeling, and it's really hard to deal with.

Basically, I just found out that my grandma's been diagnosed with lung cancer, and has a year or less to live. Unless one of my other two grandparents suddenly unexpectedly dies, she will be the first grandparent I've lost. Her husband died in his thirties, I never knew him. My younger brother died when I was four, I don't think I really understood it at the time and I don't remember him anymore. So, the prospect of my grandmother's death is really the first time I've had to deal with this whole death/dying thing, and it's kind of amazing how much it hurts, even knowing how happy she'll be to finally be with her husband again after forty years apart and all the other happy stuff. They haven't finished all their medical tests yet, but the doctor basically said there's no cure, it's probably inoperable, and it will be an extremely painful way to die. My mom said she doesn't like the doctor, because he didn't tell my grandma anything positive at all (though it's good that he was so straightforward so everybody can be prepared, but still...). And that's all she's said that's given any hint as to her emotions at all. I don't know how she does it, she's always been like that.

I ought to be kind of used to this idea of imminent (I think I spelled that wrong) death. When I was going to BYU and living with my grandma my last year, she fell off a ladder while trimming a tree and ended up in the ICU for four months, with quite a few very, very close calls as a result of pneumonia and broken ribs and various complications of a bunch of different things. But I couldn't really handle dealing with it that semester...it was one of the things that finally made me just drive to my parents and ask to move back home with them, because I didn't know how to deal with it and I didn't want to be alone in her house while she was possibly dying in the hospital. I'm still not used to it. She was finishing up her mission papers to put in again for her fourth or fifth mission, the medical exam was the only thing left. And lung cancer...I never, ever expected anybody in my family to ever end up dying from lung cancer. It's always been so closely associated with smoking in my head, and none of us smoke. But, it like pretty much all cancers can be caused from simple cell mutations.

I'm just not absorbing it at all yet, I guess. It hurts to think about, so I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I need to think about it sometime though. For right now I guess the best thing to do is to just try and figure out how on earth we can get back to Utah in the next couple of months to see her again.

In happier news, my parents and little brother and sister are coming to visit next weekend, so that'll be nice to see them again.

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