Friday, September 29, 2006

Paragraphless free-write

I just got ready really fast so I'd have some time to write in here, though I'm not going to have nearly as much time as I'd like because I have to leave for work in about fifteen minutes, so I may have to do this again later sometime soon.

I've been meaning to make cookies and go take them to people for a while now (since Sunday) and I even made the cookie dough, but it had some issues (too dry, and my chocolate chips had melted and resolidified, so I had to smash them apart, and there was a lot of cocoa powder which turned the cookie dough all brown so it looks like crap now) and so instead I have been eating the cookie dough all week (it tastes okay, not great, I will have to try again sometime soon). I made a souffle yesterday for the first time ever, and it turned out pretty good, though I didn't manage to beat the egg whites enough so it wasn't as fluffy as it ought to have been, but it tasted good, and I was proud because I made a souffle, and it reminded me of that one movie (with Audrey Hepburn?) where the girl goes to souffle school and masters the art of souffle making after many failures (and her being gone gives the boy time to realize he's in love with her, or whatever, but it's not the boy that she's in love with...they made a remake of it a few years ago where the girl goes to photography school or something in France instead of souffle school and that made me want to learn to be a photographer but anyways) I write entirely too many parantheticals. But hey, this is a free-write, so who cares? So the reason I've wanted to make cookies for people is because a) I want some cookies to eat, and homemade ones are the best, and b) I want an excuse to visit people. My social life has not been great recently (I know, I've complained about it a lot), and before it was because everybody else was busy and I had no car and couldn't drive to go hang out with them, and now it's because I'm too busy. I'm enjoying being busy, but I really wish I had time to go hang out with my friends more often, mostly my female friends, because a girl has to have time to talk to fellow girls, and I haven't been getting that time lately, and though I've made efforts to talk to people at work and in my classes, it's really not the same as actual friendships where I can talk about whatever and not feel totally stupid. So, I miss hanging out with people. My classes are going really well, though. I'm almost done with my head sculpture. Which is good, because it's due on Tuesday. So I brought him home to work on him some more, but that will require buying a couple of tools, which I want anyway, so I guess that's fine, but it's money I will have to spend that I was hoping to not have to spend, because we're trying really hard to keep a little bit of savings on hand constantly. We're doing really well, overall, compared to most of the other newly-married people I know, I guess, but I still worry about money a lot and feel like I should worry about it more and not as much at the same time. I am currently craving cinnamon rolls which means I will probably buy some at the store tonight when we go grocery shopping, and will probably eat more cookie dough for breakfast, neither of which are conducive to our plan lately to try to eat healthy (and exercise, we were both too tired this morning to get up early enough for our walk, so I've insisted that we go on a walk after I get home from work instead). I have definitely not gotten enough sleep or exercise lately. I am missing eating spinach because of the whole E. coli thing, I have read about six articles about it at work and it is making me crave spinach, partially because I made really good tortilla tuna spinach rolls last week and I want to repeat it. Hopefully my Totoro miny bento box inner container things will arrive soon, they were shipped a couple days ago, and I am excited about them. I still need to deposit my paycheck, I think I will do that Saturday. General Conference is this weekend, which will be good, but I'm so generally sleep deprived that I'm afraid I will fall asleep during it, or not pay much attention. Now I'm thinking about when I slept over at Jill's for General Conference, and had the worst cramps of my whole entire life, and she gave me some good drugs which made me stop crying in major pain, but I was so completely out of it the next morning that I got nothing out of Conference. And that's making me think about my total lack of a social life lately. It's sad, because there's lots of people that I could hang out with if I only had the time. But I'm really enjoying my sculpture class, and it's totally worth it to me to be taking it, because it's getting my hopes all up again about my creative endeavours and their worthwhileness. The head is turning out really cool. We have named him Fred "the hat man" Bajanwa. He has ears now, and the top of his head is made, it just needs to be attached. Then all that will be left will be making him a stand to sit on (can a head really sit on anything?) and I will have a very cool hat rack. It will be able to hold five hats. I will probably put my coolest favoritest wear-the-most-often hats on him. I may have to cycle through my hats though. I have too many of them. I've been thinking lately that I have too many of a lot of things and I need to cull my possessions/collections, throw out a lot of crap, finally get around to making cool stuff out of the crap I keep, etc, etc. I need a drill, I think, then I could drill holes in all of my massive penny collection and rivet them onto crap, and make stuff out of them, because really it's pointless to have $20 worth of pennies just sitting in a container that I never do anything with. I think that's about all the time I have left for the free write, and really, it's not that much different from my normal blog entries lately. I wish I had time for a really long one where I could talk about all sorts of crap, because that's why my blog entries have been long lately, is because I want to talk to people about all sorts of crap, because I miss that communication, but maybe I'm just making reasons up, because I tend to do that when I'm depressed, or in pre-depression states, and I am pretty sure I'm in a pre-major-depressive-episode state right now, and I've been doing a good job of holding it off, but if I start listing all the reasons I can think of as to why I feel crappy so often then it will probably set it off, and I know ultimately the real reason why I've been feeling so crappy so often lately is because my body and brain are tryin to be all depressed again, my hormones and brain chemicals are all out of whack, and sure, my environment contributes to it, but ultimately I'd like to treat it as an illness and not something that is somehow my fault for not getting out and socializing enough, or not eating perfectly, or not always getting enough sleep, or whatever, which is what I like to call "making reasons up" no matter how true they may seem to me at the time they're not really the ultimate reason why I'm feeling bad. Anyways, I'm actually not feeling to bad right now, mainly because of Freddie, and how nicely he's doing, and how excited I am to finish him and show him off to people (you have to be egotistical about your work if you are an artist). I really have to go now or I will be late to work though, so I will have to cross-post this in Xanga and Blogger later because I really just don't have time right now. Apologies to all the people who read Xanga and Blogger, because you will get this lovely post quite delayed.

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