Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I did a lot of dishes yesterday, and walked to the store, and cleaned the living room up, and cooked chicken souvlaki with tzatziki sauce (very tasty and easy and great for dinner in the summer), and hosted my brother and his wife, and watched some SuperGALS! with my sweetheart who brought me home a flower. All that was after reading some Fruits Basket in the morning, which made me feel a sad sort of nostalgic, but the rest of the day kept me too busy to keep the mood up for long. Today, I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie, whose concert I am not unfortunately going to tonight, and the feeling is back.

I keep writing things and deleting them.

In short, I need a job, if for no other reason than it will give a firm structure to my days. Then I will be able to figure out a nice budget, and a good schedule for housework, and figure out if I'll be able to go to classes this fall, and determine when I have time to hang out with friends without worrying about all those other little things that need doing, because everything will have a nice set time for being done.

I want to hang out with people. I want to discuss sewing and costumes and laugh about lace and figure out what to do about those darn pockets on that one pair of shorts. I want to watch chick flicks and sigh and laugh and eat Red Vines and skittles and popcorn. I want to have a weekly anime/movie/TV night and watch all those shows I haven't seen yet that I'd like to. I want to drive around randomly without anywhere in particular to be and listen to the radio nice and loud while talking about nothing in particular. I guess I just want to have people I feel comfortable enough around to hang out with on the nights when Veng is gone or busy, people to spend time with without worrying about what we think about each other, or about offending each other, without awkward silences, being able to laugh without feeling conscientious. I seem to go through phases of having groups of really good friends like that, and then suddenly, for no reason at all really, feeling awkward around everybody and like I'm constantly doing something wrong just by being there and not knowing what to say.

I sometimes think I get bored with a lack of structure too easily. Sometimes things can be too structured, sure. But I'm no good at sitting around doing absolutely nothing. I always want to be reading, or watching something, or going somewhere, doing something, learning something. Even when I was depressed, I wasn't any good at just staying in my bed and sleeping the day away. I would have, I usually felt tired enough, but I just got so darned bored that I generally at least got up and spent time on the computer.

I want to move somewhere that I can paint the walls. That would be a nice, productive, time-consuming, yet creative project.

Oh yeah! I just remembered, bought some wire at the hardware store the other day. I should make something. The thought of that has cheered me up. I need a studio so I can spread out all my project supplies so that they're easily accessible and I can just go work on whatever whenever I feel like it. That would be lovely. Alright, off to bend some wire I go.

No comments: