I dressed up a bit today, nice slacks and a collared shirt combo that looks pretty snazzy, based entirely on the irrational thought that if I am dressed up today, there will be a higher likelihood of somebody contacting me and asking me to come in for an interview. Interviews, I will admit, scare me quite a bit, and I usually make a couple of mistakes during them, but I think I manage to present myself pretty well overall when given the opportunity to do so in person. I feel more confident when dressed up in clothes that I feel are both flattering and make me look like a capable individual. I do better at things when I'm dressed for the part. I guess that's the theory behind school uniforms. You'd think with this knowledge about myself, that I would dress up more often, and yet, I still dearly love my comfortable clothes. A warm, huge sweater or pullover, and a pair of pajama bottoms, are some of the most comforting clothes I've ever worn. Comfortable, comforting, they're the clothes I wear when I'm sick. I have other clothes that make me feel capable and confident in other ways. My Death Cab for Cutie shirt and black strappy pants help me feel a little more socially confident. My rash guard shirt and board shorts make me feel more daring when it comes to water sports. My simple black high heels make me feel that I might be able to dance after all.
I wore my gray skirt with the buckles and straps and rivets on it yesterday, and while I'm sure some people at church didn't approve of it, I felt more confident when I was leading the music (though it also helped that I actually knew the songs this week pretty well), and I didn't worry so much about whether or not anybody would talk to me during Relief Society.
It's interesting, what a role outfits play in how I feel about myself, what I believe I'm capable of, where I feel I fit in. That may sound pretty shallow, but realistically, I know plenty of other people who feel the same way. My little sister has to wear just the right outfit to make the right impression on her friends and on guys. My little brother has his weird patriotic headband that he wears like a ninja, and whenever he wears it, he acts just a little more wacky.
The theory of how interior decorating can drastically affect a person's moods I think is the same sort of thing. The colors and designs that we surround ourselves with, in our clothes, in our homes, are our outward representation of ourselves to the world. Bright green is daring, light blue is calming, red can be sultry, grisly, modern, jarring. Hair styles, architectural styles, paint colors, fabric colors, they all have the same sorts of effect on me. They're a reflection of personalities, desires, fears, comforts.
Veng and I had a nice talk last night that has nothing to do with any of this. We were able to get some things figured out, some plans made, some fears calmed, some realizations that we are completely capable of doing the things we really want to during the next four months, but it seems like everything we figured out is contingent on my finding a job in the next few days. Though I'm carrying my phone with me everywhere today, eagerly hoping for a call, I'm not so worried as I was last week about it all. It'll all work out somehow. If I get a job, I can go to class, maybe we can get a scooter to make our commuting problems easier, everything will work out so nicely. If I don't get a job, well, school will just be on hold for a little longer, commuting problems will be non-existant, and somewhere, someone will decide, eventually, that I'm the best candidate they've got in their applicant database and things will get rolling. Life won't be catastrophically horrible. It'll all work out, one way or another. Though it would still be incredibly nice and convenient and perfect if I found a job this week. I am confident that everything will be fine, and maybe it's related to having dressed up today.
That reminds me, Veng, when you read this, remind me to talk to you about Wednesday and Brice and my class and your work. Bit of an unforseen complication there. One of us will need to find a ride to Salt Lake, I think.